The Soundtrack of Our Lives
by Shannon on Wednesday, 31 of January, 2007 at 7:30 pm
I once heard someone describe the music of Yanni as the “sound track to life.” Now, I’m sure there are people out there who agree with this, and all I can say to that is, “Blah! What the hell is wrong with you?”
Sure Yanni’s okay, I guess, but the soundtrack to your life? Give me a break! You’re letting a man who has had some questionable taste in facial hair and obviously taken way too many Zanies set the tone and mood of your life. Are you people sleeping all day or sitting in yuppie coffee shops discussing the finer points of existential art?
No, dear reader, Yanni is not for me. But this comment about the questionable appeal of Yanni did get me thinking about what music and sounds I would want accompanying my day-to-day routine. I’m not just talking music here, I’m talking the quintessential bleeps, whooshes, and other overly-synthesized sounds that can only be found in science fiction.
Imagine with me for a moment. You sit down like a good member of society to pay your bills every month. It’s boring, let’s face it. Nothing could possibly make paying an electric bill or balancing your checkbook fun, right? Wrong. As you take out the fancy pen your mother-in-law got you for Christmas two years ago (and by fancy I mean the three dollar thing she picked up at the local Staples) and push down on the pen top, what do you hear? A click? Hell no my friends, you hear the unmistakable electronic hum of a light saber activating. And what self respecting Star Wars fan can stop themselves from slashing that light saber pen at some imaginary enemy (perhaps even their mother-in-law) and of course it’s going to make that cool zipping sound that all good light sabers make as they slice through the air. Sounds great doesn’t it? But why stop there?
One particular sound I’ve always wanted, the warp engines activating on the Enterprise. Every time I slam the gas pedal in my 2002 Dodge Caravan in order to pass that yellow light before it turns red, it would be terribly satisfying to hear the throbbing surge of power and the whoosh of a ship jumping into warp. Then I could stop making the sounds myself.
If you’re anything like me, you believe the stair step machine at your local gym would have made a fabulous torture device during the Spanish Inquisition. I personally would admit to almost anything while on that thing, in exchange for a bottle of water and some Godiva chocolate. But think about how much more bearable that dreaded machine would be if only your exercise routine came with the same bionic sound effects the Six Million Dollar Man had every time he jumped into action. In fact, I would love that little sound effect every time I preformed some monumental feat of strength and agility. Like getting up off the couch to find that stray remote control (or worse change the channel manually), or sitting through the movie Van Helsing without slipping into a catatonic state induced by a terrible script and overacting. Definitely worthy of the bionic slow-mo sound.
And let’s not forget how helpful the music from horror movies would be. I would know it was time to get out of the shower when the Psycho stabbing music started. Never again would I be caught unaware when immanent danger was approaching on slow, shuffling feet. I would know better then to be wondering around a forest–where an escaped mental patient was hiding–in my nightgown. Especially if I had just had sex. All of this thanks to the tense, crescendo building music of the horror movie.
Who, you might ask, is going to be providing all this music and sound effects? Well, I have all that planned out too. When I hit the lottery, I figure I need to win at least a million. I know this guy who carries a full library of sound effects and music on his laptop. It shouldn’t be hard to convince to him to follow me around and play the appropriate suspenseful music, blaring klaxon, or perhaps even the occasional Moby song as the situation warrants. This should be especially appealing to him because he doesn’t have a job, is fast approaching thirty-five, and still lives with his mother. Really, it is a win-win situation for the both of us. I get the real sound track for my life, and he gets paid to bask in my stellar personality, and mess around with sound bytes. Who wouldn’t want that?
For those of you who don’t have access to a sound geek, but still feel the need to make your own sound track, there’s a list of sites to help you out. Enjoy.
http://www.therecordist.com/pages/downloads.html
http://www.desktopstarships.com/sounds.html#Scene_1
http://www.stonewashed.net/sfx.html
http://freesound.iua.upf.edu/tagsViewSingle.php?id=1126
http://www.thepocket.com/waveffects.htm
http://filmsound.org/articles/horrorsound/horrorsound.htm Fascinating sound effect article (seriously).
http://www.frogstar.com/wav/effects.asp
Category: Movies, Television, Star Wars, Star Trek
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