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Arch Enemies

by Shannon on Saturday, 5 of May, 2007 at 6:41 pm

I so want an arch enemy, a nemesis, an antagonist.  Some guy (or woman) that rubs his hands in glee and laughs manically when something doesn’t go my way.  It would make my life so much easier on so many levels. 

First I’d have an object to focus all my scorn at, and it wouldn’t be floating around the world all willy-nilly.  Scorn takes a lot of energy and time to cultivate properly, and right now I’m wasting all mine on numerous people who just don’t deserve it.  Of course, certain political leaders who shall remain nameless (coughbushcough), certain members of religious groups who I dislike enough I’ll just go ahead and mention him, Pat Robertson, and that really perky girl (I refuse to use the term ‘barista’ for some reason it grates on my nerves, besides I’m pretentious enough without using a word like that) who works at the local Starbucks and always asks me if I want that low fat, even though I’ve ordered the same thing from her like a million times.  Hell, she can remember my name, but she can’t remember the low fat thing.  Give me a brake.  Okay, those people all deserve my contempt to varying degrees, oh and the list is way longer then that.  I find Celine Dion annoying, and Mariah Carey better hope to god she never runs into me in a dark alley, Paris Hilton inspires me to a level of disgust few people can reach. 

But imagine for a moment, if I had just one person, a Moriarty to my Holmes, a Magneto to my Xavier, a Q to my Picard (actually I kind of want to be the bad guys in all these scenarios, especially Q I’d love to be Q).  If I had someone to focus all that stuff on I could let the little annoyances of life go more easily.  I’d stop cursing at people who take too long to go when the light turns green, I could go to Walmart on a Sunday afternoon and not even once feel the need to comment on the suspicious lack of bras.  Hell I could go to Walmart and maybe not even feel the need to go off on a tangent about how Walmart is ruining Western civilization.  I can’t tell you how happy that would make my husband.  Though he does get a kick out of the “Who’s wearing a bra” game.  Just imagine how much calmer I’d be.  One person to take the brunt of my scorn, contempt, and full on aggression. 

Now, it’d have to be someone worthy of course.  No panty waste of a bad guy for me.  He’d have to be the embodiment of everything I find annoying, and maybe a few superpowers wouldn’t hurt either.  You know, just to make it exciting.  He’d have to be a bad driver, my number one beef, Closed minded and open mouthed (a dangerous combination in my opinion), he’d have to talk really, really loudly on his cell phone and have his service disrupted so that he repeats like twenty times “Are you there?  Can you here me now?”  Which, by the way, was more bearable before the stupid Verizon commercial, cause now when people say it they laugh as if they just told a joke, and boy howdy it was funny.  He’d have to be one of those perpetual frat boys, don’t get me wrong I love frat boys themselves.  In fact when I reach a certain age I plan to reenact my favorite scenes of The Graduate with the cutest little frat boy I can find.  I’m talking about the kind of guy who is approaching forty and can’t understand why doing a keg stand at your grandmother’s eightieth birthday is a bad idea.  Though in this guy’s defense, my family would have gotten to the keg stands eventually, grandma just had to limber up first. 

Basically it’s not the frat boy thing that bothers me, so long as my nemesis is all my brother-in-laws, and ex brother-in-laws, rolled into one.  Cause let’s face it, most brother-in-laws are worthy of contempt, seems to be some kind of cosmic law.

Let’s see. Every super villain should be an evil genisus if we follow comic book code, and be surrounded by stupid lackeys.  Well, I actually admire evil genisuses, to a certain extent anyway.  It’s blatant stupidity that annoys me, yet at the same time if he’s not smart my arch enemy won’t really be much of challenge.  So that provides me with a bit of a quandary.  In my opinion the best good guy vs. bad guy routine is when the bad guy is at least a little sympathetic, and there’s some conflict on the part of the hero where the villain is concerned.  Magneto would make a great example.  Obviously there’s some respect, and a certain degree of understanding between Xavier and Magnento, but Magneto is ‘the ends justifies the means’ kind of guy and Xavier isn’t.  So, maybe to have a really effective nemesis I should at least respect his intelligence. 

So far I have a bad driver, loud cell phone talker, brother-in-law-ish, smart bad guy.  Ah, a scary combination.  I wonder what kind of super powers someone like that would have.  The ability to borrow money at super sonic speeds, yet maintain a constant 35 MPH on all major highways?  Leaping over social niceties and “normal” human interaction in a single bound, and telekinetic powers?  If he really wanted to gross me out the Spiderman web casting thing would work.  As much as I love Spiderman, those webs have always kind of grossed me out.  What can I say, I am a girl. 

I suppose I’ll never find all these traits in just one person, and I guess that means all that wonderful angst I’ve spent a lifetime cultivating will be wasted on the Starbucks girl.  Oh well, I suppose I’m not alone in that, but it is nice to dream.  Somewhere out there could be the one person I loathe more then anyone else on the planet.  Ah, I can’t wait to meet them.

Category: Uncategorized, Geek Rants, blogging, core dump, frak this

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