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It’s that time of year again. Time for the starlets, divas, and metrosexuals to hit the red carpet. And I for one will be avoiding it like a Vin Diesel movie. The Oscars.

There’s a number of reasons why I hate award shows, and the Oscars are truly the least offensive of all of them, but it’s still just as trite and pointless as any other awards show. Award shows are a place for shallow people to break their arms patting themselves, and each other, on the back. It’s a place for people to show of clothes and jewels that rival the gross national product of most third world countries…combined. And people wonder why the rest of the world hates us? Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, SAG, Spirit Awards, Critics Awards, Tony, People’s Choice…you name it there’s an award program for it. With the Oscars being the pinnacle of all of this, the so called prom of Hollywood.

And it’s not just the shallowness of the whole proceedings, it’s the fact that watching one of these things is the most boring thing on the planet. I’m saying watching paint dry, grass grow, and snow melt is more exciting. I can think of several things I’d rather do and having a philosophical discussion with Jessica Simpson is one if them. So, I’ve come up with a few ideas to make the Oscars a bit more exciting.

• Let’s put some new energy into that long drawn out red carpet crap. Instead of walking down the red carpet a Slip and Slide should be installed, and instead of water I’m thinking mud. With a huge mud pit at the end to catch all those little divas in their Versace gowns.
• If there is some kind of stand off in certain categories like best picture, or actor in a leading role we can always return to the mud pit to hammer it out. Winner takes home the Oscar, loser gets half off the his dry cleaning bill.
• If the Slip and Slide idea doesn’t work to rev up the red carpet how about light saber battles. Picture it; Kate Winslet and Meryl Streep going at each other while in their ball gowns. My money is on Streep, I bet she fights dirty.
• Or we could do away with the red carpet all together and just force everyone to wear the same thing; unflattering Star Trek uniforms. I’m not talking about that I’m-a-counselor-so-I-can-wear-a-low-cut-dress-on-the-bridge Troi uniform either. I mean that hideous, spandex things everyone else had to wear. How ironic is it that in the future spandex is the most popular fabric?
• Now as for the award presentation itself; I’m thinking we should spice it up by releasing pooh throwing monkeys into the audience. Of course animal rights activists might have issues with this, but that’s okay cause I plan on suspending anyone who bitches over a tank filled with mutant sea bass.
• And just because I don’t want to offend all the actors and actresses, let’s make it fun for them too by having lackeys follow them around with full length mirrors. Lackeys who, of course, tell them how awesome they are and make caddy, biting comments about the other actors and actresses at the event.

There you go. This in my opinion will go a long way towards making the Oscars a bit more exciting. Maybe I’ll even watch it if they do these things. But I doubt.

Ah, the age old debate over Mac’s and PC’s continue. Being a complete computer illiterate, I just use whatever someone puts in front of me. Which up until now has been a PC. Yeah, I have issues with it, and sure that Mac is looking sleeker, and sexier, and more tailored to my needs. But I’m one of those people who stick with something till I know it’s dead. Relationships, cars, television programs, I just hate change. Beating a dead horse is my past time (and before you PETA freaks send me hate mail, that’s a joke).

Still, the debate has got me wondering…what do the people of the future use, Mac or PC?

The Enterprise D, I believe uses the Trek equivalent of a PC, and here’s why…

Those stupid Bynars have got to be some kind of virus right? Or maybe spy ware. And we all know a Mac isn’t susceptible to that. But it’s not just the Bynars that make me think the Enterprise D is running on a PC. Let’s think about how many times their computer has gone down, been overrun by alien technology, taken over by nanties, or the holodeck has malfunctioned. By my count this happened at least two times a season. Sounds like a PC to me.

Battlestar Galactica…well this one is a bit harder. It seems to me that the original series BSG would be like the original Apples, you remember that flashing green cursor, right? But really, because of the computer phobia the Cylon wars produced the reimagined Galactica doesn’t seem that much more technically advanced. Now the Cylons, they’re running some super freaky, gooey gel Mac stuff. Not sure if I want any part of a computer that requires me to stick my hand in something that looks like snot. Even if it can resurrect me.

Not being a Mac user I’m not sure what kind of gripes you guys have about your computers (if any). But, given that most sci-fi series that run longer then a season seem to rely on at least one episode where their computers crash and burn I’d say most sci-fi television shows are using PC’s. So, I guess that kills that debate. At least it kills my interest in it. I think I see something shiny on the other side of the room. Gotta go.

Oh, by the way, my PC crashed while trying to write this. Oh the irony!

This should make Tony happy (cause it’s all about Tony) something FINALLY happened on Heroes.

Simone was shot, Peter flew, Sylar did what he does best, and Matt found some balls. Now that the season is more then half over maybe we can finally get some answers. But in the mean time here are a few questions that I doubt they’ll be covering anytime soon.

• How did Mohinder and his father get the DNA samples needed to find out exactly WHO had the mutated DNA? And is there some kind of phone book with names, addresses, and DNA code in it so you can look people up by those mutated codes?
• How many more times is Claire going to wear that cheer leading outfit? We get the point, she’s hot, she fulfills some cheerleader fetish. She’s also jailbait in most states, except the south.
• What exactly is the Nicki Jessica thing. Split personality? Haunting? Did Mr Bennet do something to her that made her that way, or did someone else? Is that what the tattoo means? And really, how crazy is it that your reflection carries on conversations with you and moves independently, mine does that all the time. Guess I just don’t get the creepiness there.
• Who is this Lendermen? Considering a running theme of the show is fate it seems like this guy is going to be something serious. Maybe the guy who fractured Nicki? Maybe he’s had plans for her all along. Can’t think of why else he helped her out of jail. And man that must have taken some serious bribing on his part. They found quite a few dead bodies in her wake after all. When I finally snap I hope I’ve made friends that high up.
• When is someone wearing spandex?
• Mutant wrestling? Jessica VS Wolverine. Man there’s a fight I’d like to see.

And by the way, should Mr Bennet use his ill gotten Chucky Cheese gains to make Tolkien Elves my reflection will totally come out of the mirror and kick his ass. She’s done it before.

Well I have finally done it, I have finally hit a new dork level. Really it didn’t take much, just a pure whim, to push me into this new, strange realm.

Sure, it started innocently enough, I was at my public library (for those of you who thought the internet did away with such arcane forms of information gathering they are still around) and I happened to notice a nice collection of graphic novels that is new to my library. Of course, I had to stop and look.

I must admit I’m not much of a comics reader. Not because I consider myself above them, mostly because my brain has gotten used to reading novels and making my own pretty pictures to play in my head. I’ve tried, I truly have. Last year a dear friend gave me the complete Elfquest Archives Volume One in a beautiful hard bound book. I love it, but I’ve never really been able to read it.

But for some reason at the library yesterday I decided to pick up one of Neil Gaiman’s Sandman graphic novels. I couldn’t find the first so I got the second volume, The Doll’s House.

I wasn’t planning on being able to really get into it, I just wanted to see the artwork and get a feel for the comic in general. But, when I actually sat down to read through it I discovered that if I forced myself to slow way down and keep my eyes trained only on one panel at a time I could actually start to get into the story and the art at the same time without feeling too overwhelmed.

Imagine my surprise when I realized that the trick to reading a comic isn’t slap dashing through it just brushing the surface, but really concentrating. Noticing the slump in a characters shoulders, the subtle body language conveyed in the art as well as the words.

Now, I had never really considered myself a comic snob before this, but little did I know I was carrying a few prejudices about comics. I think I assumed they were easy, mindless reads with only the smallest of intellectual value. And I don’t know if it’s the comic I decided to start out with or if there’s a whole world of very well done graphic novels I have yet to discover, but there was more depth there then I had imagined. As weird as it is, in some ways I had to work harder for the story then I do in a novel. Sometimes novel writers just say too much. Some announce every emotion the characters are experiencing on loud speaker, or their motivations are dissected for pages and pages, until the reader grows so bored we never actually get to the point where the action occurs.

Of course not all novels are written like this, I know that, but the comic seems to force a writer to be a little more subtle, to leave a bit more to the reader’s imagination even if the “mental pictures” are being supplied. There are certain things that there is simply no room to delve into in a comic and it forces you to get to your point, and not to forget it. Ah, if only I could cultivate that skill myself.

Now, I realize some of this is due to the fact that this is a new medium to me, maybe partially my past inability to read a comic was because of my dyslexia, I’m not sure. Either way though, I’m kind of thrilled to have gotten through my first one. I feel like I’ve been initiated into some level of fandom I’ve never been able to obtain before. And yes, that sounded as pathetic to me as I’m sure it did to you, but oh well I’m just happy I’m no longer a comic virgin.

Sci-fi Channel reported on February 14 that they would be picking up BSG for 13 more episodes, and stated that it’s move to Sunday had improved the ratings by some 8 percent.

Now, I love this show, I won’t deny it. As far as good sci-fi goes on TV this is by far number one on my list. It’s dark, it’s edgy, it’s got some great special effects, the acting is spot on, those are all the positives. There are unfortunately a few negatives, especially in this past season. And I’d say most of it stems from one plot twist…the jumping ahead one year at the end of last season.

I know, I know if I was going to complian I should have done it earlier, right? Well maybe, but I was waiting to see how they pulled this one out of the bag before I started moaning about it. The idea of jumping forward a whole year was so “out there” in terms of television drama that I wasn’t sure if I would like it or not. And now I can say with complete conviction, it screwed them up. (Read more…)

Every morning I try to drag my carcass out of bed at around 5:30am so I can have a solid hour of writing before it’s time for the kids to get up for school. Try is, of course, the operative word here. The last few weeks I can’t say I’ve been all that successful at either getting up or getting any writing done.

I’ve come to a few conclusions about what I need to be productive during writing time, just a few small demands it wouldn’t kill the universe to grant me.

First off I need to be left utterly and completaly alone with no distractions by either my beautiful children or my wonderful husband, or for that matter no TV, no phones, no Internet, no e-mail, no Jehovia’s Witnesses trying to save me from utter damnation (too late), no music, no background ambient noise…basically I need to write in a vacuum. Well a vacuum with plenty of oxygen and a comfortable chair. (Read more…)

It’s time for our first segment of Misadventures on the web. Basically the product of my complete and utter boredom and my struggle against the forces that push me to do something “good” or “helpful” to improve the human condition. Instead, I give you this. Useless websites that are nonetheless entertaining. At least to me. And I am easily amused.

First off today; inspirational Trek posters. If you don’t see the humor in some of these, you’re dead.

And who’s life would be complete without a list of the top 100 Sci-fi movies . I disagree with more then a few of these but it gave me something to occupy my brain with for a few minutes. At least until I saw something shiny.

This next one is truly useless, but it made me smile and really needs no introduction.

And finally, sex in space anyone ? Yeah, that woke some of you up from your stupor.

I love Heroes, I really do, but it is prone to doing things that make me crazy. Like another show I really like, Lost, it is doing this new thing that seem to be the rage among TV writers: stringing us along for entirely too long and leaving major questions unanswered for even longer.

I understand that a show needs to keep us in suspense, but sometimes they take it a bit too far. This guy in Heroes for example, Claire’s Dad, is way too creepy and the show has been promising for a while now to tell us what the hell is up with this guy.

Some time ago, the show teaser for the next week’s episode actually announced, ‘And what is up with THIS guy?’ and showed Claire’s Dad.

Next week came, no answer. I still have no clue if this guy is good, bad or indifferent.

I mean, come the frak on, is he a good guy or a perv? What’s driving him to do this stuff? Does he have a power or not? What is his frakin’ deal? And more importantly, how long am I going to have to wait? It’s not like there isn’t a thousand other questions you haven’t answered yet. Give us something.

Lost does this to me too, except that it’s a little worse. Major unanswered questions linger for frakin’ ever. If they keep it up and don’t start answering stuff soon, they run the risk of becoming tedious and we’re not going to believe what they finally do come up with when they say it. We’ll start to lose interest.

Personally, I don’t think they have the answers yet; I think the writers are all making it up as they go along. They’ll read blogs (like this) and listen to viewers until they hear something they like and they’ll go… “Oooh that’s a good idea, let’s do that.”

So, with that in mind (since OF COURSE the writers of that show are reading this blog), here is what I think this guy’s deal is: He is a bad guy. He has raised Claire for his own nefarious purposes. He wants Clare to become an indestructible fembot that can walk into Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Parlors and take all the money out of the kiddie rides, walking out unscathed from the inevitable gunfire that would ensue from such heinous a crime.

Then he’ll use that money to fund research into genetically engineering Tolkien Elves, just to annoy Shannon.

There. One less thing.

One of the things I plan to do when writing on this blog is to take everything that’s been cluttering up my brain and place it here, on these pages. This is one of those things that has my brain cluttered. Don’t be fooled though, even though it’s clutter, it is still extremely interesting and worthwhile. I am now about to clean it out and hope it doesn’t leave a stain.

So here goes: no matter what it is, no matter what you’re talking about, you can always make it sound cool if you add the following to the end: …of death, or …of doom.

Let’s try it, shall we?

• The station wagon. The station wagon OF DEATH.
• The banana peel. The banana peel OF DOOM.
• The monkey. The monkey OF DEATH. The monkey OF DOOM is also nice.
• The Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny OF DEATH.

See how much cooler all those things sounded when you added those words? Another handy trick I like to use is to preface everything with the word EVIL.

The EVIL station wagon OF DEATH sounds even better, don’t you think? I also like the evil Easter Bunny of Death. That’s my kind of Easter Bunny.

What does this have to do with scifi? Well, you just try to write a story without an evil Easter Bunny in it and see how far that gets you. Even the best scifi on TV, Battlestar Galactica has an evil Easter Bunny of death.

SPOILER:
Not only is Baltar NOT a cylon, but a mysterious Easter basket full of brightly colored eggs will be discovered in his quarters later this season. You heard it here first people. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

How many blogs can a blogger blog if a blogger could blog… ummm… wood?

Sorry, that kinda died out on me there, I couldn’t come up with a good ending. I had fog, dog, and bog, the easy ones, but I never take the easy ones. Plus, it wouldn’t have made sense anyway.

Oh sure, I could have just not written that at all since it didn’t work, but that’s not how I swing baby. Once i start something, I commit. I stay with it and beat it until it’s unrecognizable. Like right now, you are SO wishing I would move on…

Okay, okay.

The thing is, I am writing a lot these days. This is my second blog and I also write for a website. So , what the frak am I doing here? FIrst of all, I wanted a place where I could write the word frak all the time and have it make sense to people.

Frak, frak, frak.

Hmmmm. That’s not as appealing as I thought it would be. Sounds like a duck.

Still, I’m looking forward to using it in almost every post I write.

I’m also here because I love scifi and fantasy. I also really wanted a chance to work with Shannon, an outstanding writer and all around great person (just don’t tell her I said that). Alas, she also has some rather misguided opinions, so I need to be here to make sure there’s a balanced, critically acclaimed and outstandingly clever voice to counteract them.

I know she’s gotten a head start on me, like over 10 posts so far, but that’s only because she didn’t have to set up the site, configure the server, find a decent WordPress template that didn’t make me throw up, and make sure our posts got stored and backed up properly. Not to worry though. I’m a posting machine, I’ll catch up.

One thing you won’t see from me however, are post times before noon. Shannon gets up at some ungodly hour, like 5am to make her posts. Jeebus. The only time I ever see that time of day is if I’ve been up all night.

Another reason I want to write for this blog is that I have many, many, many opinions. Unlike Shannon’s opinions however, mine are correct. And you need to hear them. They matter and they will enrich your life. I say that because that’s what all bloggers think: we are the center of the universe and we know more than you do. Even if we don’t, it completely irrelevant. That’s the mindset that drives us.

Alrightly then. Let’s get this thing started.

Make it so. (God it’s so great to be a geek).